while fall calls

Fool, do you think anyone’s born either as or to be cynical?

Blame society for its cruel
Blame those untrusted human beings
Blame packs of pseudo-friend about sharing some reciprocal intimacies

Blame civilized system which causes irritation in all aspect of fundamental gratification
Blame the victory of competing who has the biggest ego

Blame morons who are unable to see harmony of diversity
Blame stupidity of seniority

Blame big town that has cut e v er y th i ng



Blame Stuttgart ;
for snatchingstealing
for takingtearing
from me
my solely radiance

BLAME SOCIETY
For its cruel has successfully ruined me
For now I feel just empty
*blame few shots I've drunk.

keep retorting

Even perfect woman (if there’s one of a kind) is human still.
Her capability of healing is not unlimited.

Quoted
“How can I live when we’re parted?”
“All we need is space; it is spaciousness all we hold.”
“Forgive my earthly possession.”
“Fail to understand how perfect love can be confounded out of hand.”
“One more longing backward glance.”
“I just want our time to be slower and gentler.”

She knew he needs her. He needs her to know him.
He needs her anyway. Screw it.

Different perspectives. Similar aims.
And after the acute aches of faint sacrificies, in five timeless years, yeah, yeah, what’s on earth they will put any concern in that.

In the end, neither death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, not powers will separate them. Virtus, concordia, fides.

innuendo

Even if I start all over again
It does nothing to stop this pain
Hardly say, but seems everything is in vain

Counting days with sorrow
While there's no more you I know
Grasp each and grow

Distance used to make us wiser
Walk a leap further climb a step higher
From the convent murmur little prayer

Righteousness is indisputable
Couldn't just take it as simple
Be utterly humble

Since I'm not servant of your ego
I'm not servant of any one's ego
We must let go.

warm aegea

you need not much, mucho
because at the end of the day
there'll be just some left over
trust me

you don't need much, mucho
what you need is precious little amount
that you can count on
for ever

( this is me confessing: I miss them . . )

temple of salvation

Kamu sampai juga. Rindu yang ada kutahan. Genggam erat rosario kayuku. Tujuh tahun di keheningan, runtuhkah?

Tetapi kita selamanya cerita kepahitan nun samar. Sebab lembut saat dijalin. Getir hanya bergulir pada paska. Maka buang sejenak episteme.

Kosong yang keji menggerus udara. Serta merta gigil selusupi antara. Bagimu cuma kretek yang menghangatkan. Aku mempersilakan. Kamu edarkan bola mata hitammu, seraya bergumam, ingin melihat juga ruang kamarku. Wicara tak ubahnya kedegilan sekarang. Jubah kasarku gemelisik menggesek. Dan tudung makin membebani bahu yang terkulai. Kamu dekap aku. Dengan rimba di tatapmu.

Jangan. Cukup.

Suara pintu dibanting. Napas dihela. Kidung sunyi. Berbisik doa silih dalam hati -ora pro nobis, peccatoribus.
Kafani kembali cabikan hati tepat di isak terakhir.

Ini malam yang dingin. Gairah padam.


~ teriring cinta dari lembah ~

some someones

It’s funny how from simple things the best things begin ..
- I Finally Found Someone

Thank you for every positive input I have got in this blog. But as a proverb says, there is always a great woman behind every great man, it is right that there is always a person behind (in my case, fortunately, there are more than one).
The entire compliments are regarded to them. Not people behind stories but moreover, the people behind me. I was just a simple sack of wishes and bones before they (not altogether, in each way) have sculpting me, with affection. So that it will be infelicitous if I do not write down my gratitude.

It is an intermezzo. But it is worth it. Mind that I am using word ‘THE’ for every point, aligning them as the only.

Here’s my someone(s).
the best tutor. hanyu yiyuan wenhua tutor, to be exact. with her flawless tone and accent (which i’m so terrible with, i think will take forever to make me pronounce hanyu as beautifully as you, fuh). best person to talk about chinese literature at the same time flee through kyrie eleison, pater noster, ave verum, panis angelicus (this song is such failure by the way).

the buddy who brings back my smile (combining cheerful c and gloomy g, amazing). the smart one, who never gave up tryin to explain integral, matrix, 3-dimensional (hey, i’ve made it in final exam) to me. my precious. the one that unexpectedly could wash away my dried past. never imagined how we work on it. the cello bliss. the messy stubborn. thank you for making me better after choked out all crap, although you’re just pretending you’re listening. i miss the french toast, so fuck much, babe, and every second when we bite, chew, laugh.

the honey with her lovely voice (eventho sometimes it loses pitch control and inclines to be so annoyingly loud). the paradoxical of genius musician and silly girl (so it’s answering about yellow freak case of her instrument). the person that continually reads this blog, then interprets all these posts very well. and also the one which is waiting for the fraternityforum (thought you’ll wait quite long, told you that i want it to be, must be, massive idealistic work). thank you for every ‘emoticons’ you bring to our friendship.

the guy i knew in seashore last year. the child of krakatau. with whom i’d sat toward horizon, livelong daytime, during my short holiday break. the one that said firmly to his colleagues: “she can sing” when introduced me. deum de dei, how could you be so sure?! you didn’t even hear me complete a bait, it was our first met. thank you for believing me. honestly, you have put a new form to my self-reliance since that time. i will back to you there. maybe not for honeymoon, as you suggested (married is still optional), but i will. i used to.

the woman that is portraying real teacher in her patience, because she carries power inside that patience. she who deserves respect more than other piggish snob/evil titled themselves teacher (by themselves too?). the mother of two handsome sons (they’re remarkably got your beautiful eyes). the first one who honors myself by called this blog of mine literature. thank you for dignifying me, and your unspoken invocation i detect.

the man who has taught me art of corona. the winery with sophisticated gradient. the best male friend of mine. the one who has already had lovely daughter. bet my whole bucks you gonna make a cool dad. i know bastard like you can have high(er) paternal side. thank you for rosa than rose. cause english, or either, can never triumph over latin. ancient breeze. lol. and you won’t ask me about being-a-godmother thing. don’t you dare! because assuredly i deign to be.

the nice balinese girl which is going to continue her study to south korea soon. the person that read my writing in one noon, after that said she might analyze it uneasily (compared it with some prose we had been learning in lesson). however it was one of the best compliment i have ever had, don’t know you still remembering that day or not. thank you sweetie.

the novice that has given me best sharing ever ever, then told me: “don’t be afraid”, straightforward, right into my eyes, i can get it, feel it. i perceive it was kinda sign, trust it as. i’m going to those places for denouement and decision, but what you’ve given me, that was a very nice intro. thank you for letting me know. and thank you for being friendly innocent.

the angel God sent down to me about 6/7 years ago. the first person with whom i can have unlimited discussion about jennifer parker, lara cameron, noelle page, paige taylor, and tracy whitney (do i need to mention about the undeniably inspirational dana evans here?). the one with whom i spend all night long in the bus headed to jogja. talking, one another, face to face, heart to heart. the person that being damn good partner for my first pride-project. the one and only that keeping all my gaudium et spes. thank you for being so splendid soul mate.

the lady which has elegance in highest level a woman (a person even) can be. the blessed and professional runway model. she’s the one who makes me see model and harlot is still distinguishable, makes me do my reappraisal homework. the fashionista (=fashionable sista) whose definition of style i have adopted yet have followed. you put me in believing that some people were born to be a model (clearly, you’re in the top list). the person who helped me breath while i was losing my rhythm. thank you for that dawn (with that macaroni and cheese, that blanket).

the first one who could open my shutting senses. the one who did unveil about indifferentia. he who's resetting my orientation, flipping my visionary, fulfilling my credo. the man i met by chance and united by compassion. the person that could really exquisitely reconcile the damage to regenerate the balance. thank you for, civitate deity. you know i won’t make it without you; or let me say it this way, the comprehension can’t be this naturally harmonious without you by my side. aku ikut kamu, kamu kan imamku (ayat-ayat cinta the movie, red). explicit and implicit.

the greatest thing ever happened in my life. the best alchemist. the man that has been beside me through years of seeking, considering, formulating (in the other words, desire, hope, wisdom). the only person who is able to make my song take flight, to help me make my music of the night. my banister, my charger. the Taurus. the one that i miss all my time. you’re not some flash inspiration (it’s also the phrase that simpletons often use, real sucks, and it has degraded the meaning of course), but you’re source, of this blog. just.. i never experience such a wonderful feeling until that ‘holiday’ camp. love you more than love itself. let destiny takes care for the rest of it (see how faithful fatalist truly i’m). darimu semua bermula, padamu pula semua akan bermuara. danke, winnetou.

promise me tomorrow

berlabuh bersama bias
menenggelamkan masa merde, meninggalkan malam, mencari mentari
pergi pada pagi
remuk resah
halau hingga hengkang hinggapi hati
seketika sudah sang sulung
dingin dosa dan damai doa
angkasa adalah acuan
kita, kawan kawan kita kelasi
gilai gerak gamang
tak tunda tiba tujuan tanpa tebas tinggi totem tantumnya


// kosakata yang masih acak //

Susun kembali setiap kegalauan
Basuh, lapangkan,
.............agar dapat kita melihat dengan jelas
Untuk sebuah janji
.............tentang serenade hari baru

Sejauh pandang membentang
Tambatkan semua hanya di pesisir esok.

damsel in distress

CC : Russell , Adeth

分 别 的 时 候 ，永 远 这 样 。
十 分 难 过 而 十 分 难 免 。 好 像 太 阳 仍 然 要 日 落 。
很 可 笑 。 变 化 对 我 根 本 没 有 兴 趣 。 无 论 人 家 谈 谈 任 何 话 。

甚 至 连 记 忆 也 不 够 。 想 你 的 光 束 ， 想 你 的 节 奏 。
愿 你 在 我 的 身 边 。 也 许 生 活 道 路 自 在 不 一 定 。 我 们 几 乎 一 起 取 得 将 来 。
还 有 可 能 性 吗 ？

心 爱 的 人 ，请 你 原 谅 。 但 是 现 在 ， 我 只 要 恢 复 。
至今 事 情 还 太 苦 。 一 切 都 觉 得 深 刻 得 多 。我 尽 量 弄 好 。
千万 别 失 去 信 心 。 我 一 辈 子 心 疼 你 。
这 一 个问 题 ： 被 甩 还 是 把 甩 ， 我 以 为 你 已 经 明 白 了 。

reflection of the day

L E B A M ; for every single soul who is trying too hard

Tuhan juga menciptakan ironi
kecantikan tidak selalu kebaikan
kepandaian tidak selalu kesuksesan
kemewahan tidak selalu kepuasan
kesenangan tidak selalu kebahagiaan

biar semua jadi rancangan nasib
karya unisono
sang Maha Sufi

mencoba menafsirnya lebih cendekia ketimbang mencoba merubahnya
cukup menanti, melihat dari tepi

kalau tidak
suatu saat logika pasti akan membentur
nanti kalian jadi sakit, biru-biru lebam
terkena benturan.

status quo

Adolf (monolog serpihan hati) :
Kepada sang tiada.
About you, Ev, there’s nothing hard for me deciding, since the first time I knew.

Also nothing hard for me keeping you, do it naturally.
But now I find it’s hard for me burying you.
Ya, ketika sesuatu itu tulus maka ia akan abadi.
Ikatan. Kasih sayang. Rasa sakit. Tutti.

Genap setahun sudah aku mencoba berdamai dengan diriku di dalam penyangkalan. Mencoba segala hal, kamu tahu.
Contemplation, distraction, determination, supplication.
Tapi kerusakan telah terjadi, dan tak ada yang bisa dilakukan untuk itu. Aku menghentikan upayaku.

Cukup sebuah pesawat jatuh untuk menamatkan segalanya, membuat Praha sungguh menjadi finale song. Tepat sehari saja setelah harapan hari esok dibangun. There are never ending questions for a reason.

Marius Pontmercy, tokoh dari karya LesMis Victor Hugo yang tersohor, ingat? Aku menceritakan kisahnya dengan gadisnya padamu, dan kamu serta merta menyatakan bahwa ia merupakan pria berwatak paling sentimentil serta irasional. Kamu juga memvonis lirik-liriknya picisan. ‘Do I care if I should die, now she goes across the sea?’, unbelieveable!; you said that, aloud. Tetapi kukatakan padamu Ev, since the first time I’ve thought Marius is great. He is that figure, a man of honour. And now, I’ll tell you, I can also feel what he felt. Despair in his soul, he wasn’t lying about that.
Evita, once again, love against all logic.

None could accept your accidental demise. No one. Keluargamu, mereka menimpakan kesalahan kepadaku. It’s not such big deal, I know they put me as jinx in their eyes (as always, hm), but here the truth is they couldn’t admit it.
About losing you, about pain from aching heart.
Walaupun demikian, mereka bertenggang rasa dengan menerimaku selama upacara pemakaman. Mengambil sikap menghargai (meski tampak masih sulit mengakui) hubungan kita. Kurasa mereka mencoba menghormatimu dan pilihanmu. Barangkali semua masa berat yang kita lalui memang hampir mencapai garis akhir.

Lalu mengapa ketika masa menuai tiba, kamu pergi? Tidakkah itu berarti kamu ingkar akan ikrar?

Aku berada di Bandung sekarang.
Memijakkan kaki ke tempat ini, sekali lagi, setelah sekian lama.
Nyatanya waktu berlalu tetap tidak sebanding dengan kenangan yang telah terpatri. Every place can bring back it all. Kudapat semua gambaran itu saat disini, setelah aku sempat pergi ke berbagai tempat, mengetahui dan mengerjakan berbagai hal baru. It is quite awkward, actually.

Tetapi siapa dapat mendebat mengenai keterikatan kuat kita dengan tempat ini?
It’s always being our homeland. Bukankah kita bahkan menyebutnya Bandung kotakita yang sejuk? And I mean it in every time I say it. Kota kita adalah sebuah metafor masa depan kita, aku dan kamu adalah personifikasinya. Dan kurasa kamu mengerti. Pasti.

Kamu bicara dalam bahasa yang sama denganku.
Kamu bernyanyi pada nada yang sama denganku.
Kamu melukis dengan aliran yang sama denganku.
Dan ibarat sajak para pujangga, kita selarik. Hingga berima sama.

Kini ada lubang besar di tempat yang selalu kamu isi. Menandai yang pernah rekat dan lekat, telah dikoyak secara paksa. Sebagaimana janin dikuret dari uterus sanctuary-nya. Sebagaimana rambut direnggut lepas dari kulit kepala. Tertarik, teriris, membelah. Sontak, keras, kasar, cepat, mendadak. Kesadaran akan kehilangan baru muncul sesudahnya, tatkala luka yang ditinggalkan perlahan mulai mengucurkan darah.

Evita, lukaku masih terbuka sampai hari ini.
Luka itu terletak di inti yang mengisi ruang paling dasar pada jiwa. Sehingga sangat dalam untuk menginfeksi siapapun juga terlalu dalam untuk dijangkau siapapun.
Setahun ini aku belajar bahwa benar, membiarkan adalah jalan terbaik untuk hal yang telah terbenam jauh dari permukaan. And I’d better let it be.

Obviously, keep saying everything is fine is not cheering, but it won’t make things worst. Karena sudah tidak memungkinkan untuk menambalnya. Harga yang dibayar sudah merupakan harga pantas.
Tidak semua orang berjuang demi cintanya, dan tidak semua dari mereka yang berjuang berhasil. Yang dapat kulakukan hanyalah menjalani hidupku. Persoalan bagaimana aku tak tahu. Mungkin dengan tidak selalu bersikukuh melibatkan apa yang kurasakan. Biar aku baktikan untuk karitatif sementara aku menanti.

Because earth hath no wound that heaven cannot heal.
In nomine Iesu Christe. In nomine Iesu Christe.

Cukilan dari Chairil berkata,
Taman punya kita berdua
Tak lebar luas, kecil saja
Satu tak kehilangan lain dalamnya
Bagi kau dan aku cukuplah
Kecil, penuh surya taman kita
Tempat merenggut dari dunia dan nusia

I’ll see you in our Eden— the only place where we should be, where we belong to be,
together from the very beginning of existence.
Kita akan kembali bersama disana. Disatukan oleh hakikatmu, sebagai tulang rusuk bahagian dari diriku. Bersabarlah.

had taken from : Biarkan Evita dengan Adolfnya [PART 3 - end]
kisah ini ialah terusan dari prekuelnya: kisah dua anak manusia pada awal genesis. because this is the whole story about Adolf and Evita,
the very son and daughter of Adam and Eva.

ancient enchantment

dari requiem hingga exultate dari padam hingga nyala
dari pre hingga pasca dari redia hingga sercaria
dari dusk hingga dawn

dari 北 hingga 南 dari reseptor hingga efektor
dari eros hingga agape dari novisiat hingga imamat
dari largo hingga presto dari under hingga over

dari kefas hingga petrus dari skeptis hingga credo

dari renaisans hingga barok dari metana hingga dekana
dari groovy hingga solemn dari stauros hingga salvator
dari abdi hingga regnum dari thallus hingga sejati

dari taada hingga taala

.

KRISTUS

dahulu dan sekarang
awal dan akhir
alpha dan omega

Benedícimus te : Patri, et Fílio, et Spirítui Sancto.
Sicut erat in princípio, et nunc et semper, et in saécula saeculórum, amen.