destruction

Tapi, mengapa harus selalu datang padaku yang terlarang?, bisiknya pada kegelapan.
Cinta yang terlarang dirasakannya seumpama buah yang memicu reaksi racun dalam saliva ketika ditelan. Buahnya sendiri sempurna tiada bercacat. Membuat liur terbersit. Ia selalu tergoda untuk mencicip.
Sedikit, segigit. Adiktif.
Lalu terjerat ia karena buah itu jahat—kejahatan tersembunyi.

Setelah menjerumuskannya dalam neraka tak bertepi, cinta itu menguap lenyap. Dirinya ditinggal, menjadi korban tunggal, seolah memang ia anak bengal yang layak dipenggal. Ia tidak mendapatkan peluang membeberkan alasan, atau menjelaskan.
Semua didoktrin hitam dan putih. Hanya ada lapisan teratas dan terbawah tanpa tengah.

Pun ia merasa dikhianati.
Sebab aforisme cinta berbalik menyerang, meracuni, menghabisi. Ia terhempas oleh kepercayaannya akan cinta yang sakra.
Kepercayaan yang telah dibangun melalui masa-masa pergulatan yang mewaktu.

Bahwa semua itu bermula pada hari-hari ketika hukum tentang cinta pertama kali dinubuatkan, membuat segalanya lebih buruk. Hukum tersebut mendefinisi siapa yang harus dicintai. Dan bagaimana caranya. Dan seberapa banyak. Kepicikan pragmatis.

_______________

catatan: merupakan alinea-alinea pada bab pertama novel TSDB, and been published here for sentimental reason

alligator/plagiator

Dua orang sahabat yang bersahabat erat, sebegitu erat, begitu erat sampai terasa mengharukan....sulit dipercaya ternyata ialah rendahan tidak berharga.
Camkan, I WILL HATE YOU TIL MY DYING DAY.

You should shame on yourselves.
Provided you can't have your word, don't use other's.
Sometimes we do borrow or quote another people's words, but definitely not in sort of cheap way.

Originality is one, big, prime. Genuine. No excuse for stealing.

For this fleeting earth sake! As a student in journalism school that suppose to know the rule of plagiarism, the boundary line >> just admit you are that disgusting.

Und un-involved me from your fancy friendship since I'm sick of its fuck fake. Heaven bless your servile dirt souls.

pure embodied spirit

good morning, dearest shooting star (altho there now you're up to midnight..)

thank you for the call last night, it's such bliss. a treasure moment, even a briefest moment i spent with you.
to hear your voice is reminiscing.

gazing each other, consideration hits me.
that am missing you on highest dose, where reasons are totally beyond.
i miss the valley. i miss the stone. i miss the weather. i miss the ting-a-ling. i miss the bench. i miss the poured rain. i miss your hand in my hair. i miss your existence, the most.

but i slept with smile.
because knowing you are last person i talked to before i end my day, does soothe.

they said to love is to receive a glimpse of heaven, i think it is.
every fear faded. entire friendshit matter, all faded. can always i turn to you.

(*) anw, i make this so not complicated that you shall just sit, start reading, and feel loved. understand you goin' through hard days and nights too. this's simply just a little note to remain, us as certain. for utter blank future probably?

letter from a cello bliss

aku akan
memainkan sebuah sonata
dengan serunai

brahms dan tchaikovsky
wagner dan chopin
mozart yang dinamis
bahkan claudio monteverde

persetan cemooh orang
kamu juga belum lahir pada zaman zaman itu

semua telah lama ada, dan masih dipertahankan
sebab keindahan tak lekang oleh waktu
kelak kita menyebutnya budaya

lestarikan jangan lupakan
abadikan jangan abaikan

tapi kenyataan mematri sesuatu yang paradoks

hanya negeri dengan namanya sendiri yang memelihara budaya
untuk satu ini swasta tak punya fasilitas fakultas

dasar feodal
umpat segelintir badut

urban metropolis sinting
masyarakat kapitalis kotor

upaya ini lebih bernilai
dari kekosongan yang mengakari hidup kalian
terutama akhir-akhir ini
mau diasong kemana kepala berisi melulu materi?

(( ))

tapi kamu tidak bisa meniup serunai, kak

sela adikku

aku mendengus
kalau demikian,
akan kubawa celloku sampai vienna
lalu memainkan indonesia raya

sumbangsih sepenuh hati
kepada bangsa yang berarti.

painfully but finally

Don't stand too close to me.

We just hurt each other.

Keep hurting. Each another. How can you not see.

Watch the distant, would you?

there is no such thing like a new beginning, all we have is, an old wound

that never gonna ever disappear

while fall calls

Fool, do you think anyone’s born either as or to be cynical?

Blame society for its cruel
Blame those untrusted human beings
Blame packs of pseudo-friend about sharing some reciprocal intimacies

Blame civilized system which causes irritation in all aspect of fundamental gratification
Blame the victory of competing who has the biggest ego

Blame morons who are unable to see harmony of diversity
Blame stupidity of seniority

Blame big town that has cut e v er y th i ng



Blame Stuttgart ;
for snatchingstealing
for takingtearing
from me
my solely radiance

BLAME SOCIETY
For its cruel has successfully ruined me
For now I feel just empty
*blame few shots I've drunk.

keep retorting

Even perfect woman (if there’s one of a kind) is human still.
Her capability of healing is not unlimited.

Quoted
“How can I live when we’re parted?”
“All we need is space; it is spaciousness all we hold.”
“Forgive my earthly possession.”
“Fail to understand how perfect love can be confounded out of hand.”
“One more longing backward glance.”
“I just want our time to be slower and gentler.”

She knew he needs her. He needs her to know him.
He needs her anyway. Screw it.

Different perspectives. Similar aims.
And after the acute aches of faint sacrificies, in five timeless years, yeah, yeah, what’s on earth they will put any concern in that.

In the end, neither death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, not powers will separate them. Virtus, concordia, fides.

innuendo

Even if I start all over again
It does nothing to stop this pain
Hardly say, but seems everything is in vain

Counting days with sorrow
While there's no more you I know
Grasp each and grow

Distance used to make us wiser
Walk a leap further climb a step higher
From the convent murmur little prayer

Righteousness is indisputable
Couldn't just take it as simple
Be utterly humble

Since I'm not servant of your ego
I'm not servant of any one's ego
We must let go.

warm aegea

you need not much, mucho
because at the end of the day
there'll be just some left over
trust me

you don't need much, mucho
what you need is precious little amount
that you can count on
for ever

( this is me confessing: I miss them . . )

temple of salvation

Kamu sampai juga. Rindu yang ada kutahan. Genggam erat rosario kayuku. Tujuh tahun di keheningan, runtuhkah?

Tetapi kita selamanya cerita kepahitan nun samar. Sebab lembut saat dijalin. Getir hanya bergulir pada paska. Maka buang sejenak episteme.

Kosong yang keji menggerus udara. Serta merta gigil selusupi antara. Bagimu cuma kretek yang menghangatkan. Aku mempersilakan. Kamu edarkan bola mata hitammu, seraya bergumam, ingin melihat juga ruang kamarku. Wicara tak ubahnya kedegilan sekarang. Jubah kasarku gemelisik menggesek. Dan tudung makin membebani bahu yang terkulai. Kamu dekap aku. Dengan rimba di tatapmu.

Jangan. Cukup.

Suara pintu dibanting. Napas dihela. Kidung sunyi. Berbisik doa silih dalam hati -ora pro nobis, peccatoribus.
Kafani kembali cabikan hati tepat di isak terakhir.

Ini malam yang dingin. Gairah padam.


~ teriring cinta dari lembah ~

some someones

It’s funny how from simple things the best things begin ..
- I Finally Found Someone

Thank you for every positive input I have got in this blog. But as a proverb says, there is always a great woman behind every great man, it is right that there is always a person behind (in my case, fortunately, there are more than one).
The entire compliments are regarded to them. Not people behind stories but moreover, the people behind me. I was just a simple sack of wishes and bones before they (not altogether, in each way) have sculpting me, with affection. So that it will be infelicitous if I do not write down my gratitude.

It is an intermezzo. But it is worth it. Mind that I am using word ‘THE’ for every point, aligning them as the only.

Here’s my someone(s).
the best tutor. hanyu yiyuan wenhua tutor, to be exact. with her flawless tone and accent (which i’m so terrible with, i think will take forever to make me pronounce hanyu as beautifully as you, fuh). best person to talk about chinese literature at the same time flee through kyrie eleison, pater noster, ave verum, panis angelicus (this song is such failure by the way).

the buddy who brings back my smile (combining cheerful c and gloomy g, amazing). the smart one, who never gave up tryin to explain integral, matrix, 3-dimensional (hey, i’ve made it in final exam) to me. my precious. the one that unexpectedly could wash away my dried past. never imagined how we work on it. the cello bliss. the messy stubborn. thank you for making me better after choked out all crap, although you’re just pretending you’re listening. i miss the french toast, so fuck much, babe, and every second when we bite, chew, laugh.

the honey with her lovely voice (eventho sometimes it loses pitch control and inclines to be so annoyingly loud). the paradoxical of genius musician and silly girl (so it’s answering about yellow freak case of her instrument). the person that continually reads this blog, then interprets all these posts very well. and also the one which is waiting for the fraternityforum (thought you’ll wait quite long, told you that i want it to be, must be, massive idealistic work). thank you for every ‘emoticons’ you bring to our friendship.

the guy i knew in seashore last year. the child of krakatau. with whom i’d sat toward horizon, livelong daytime, during my short holiday break. the one that said firmly to his colleagues: “she can sing” when introduced me. deum de dei, how could you be so sure?! you didn’t even hear me complete a bait, it was our first met. thank you for believing me. honestly, you have put a new form to my self-reliance since that time. i will back to you there. maybe not for honeymoon, as you suggested (married is still optional), but i will. i used to.

the woman that is portraying real teacher in her patience, because she carries power inside that patience. she who deserves respect more than other piggish snob/evil titled themselves teacher (by themselves too?). the mother of two handsome sons (they’re remarkably got your beautiful eyes). the first one who honors myself by called this blog of mine literature. thank you for dignifying me, and your unspoken invocation i detect.

the man who has taught me art of corona. the winery with sophisticated gradient. the best male friend of mine. the one who has already had lovely daughter. bet my whole bucks you gonna make a cool dad. i know bastard like you can have high(er) paternal side. thank you for rosa than rose. cause english, or either, can never triumph over latin. ancient breeze. lol. and you won’t ask me about being-a-godmother thing. don’t you dare! because assuredly i deign to be.

the nice balinese girl which is going to continue her study to south korea soon. the person that read my writing in one noon, after that said she might analyze it uneasily (compared it with some prose we had been learning in lesson). however it was one of the best compliment i have ever had, don’t know you still remembering that day or not. thank you sweetie.

the novice that has given me best sharing ever ever, then told me: “don’t be afraid”, straightforward, right into my eyes, i can get it, feel it. i perceive it was kinda sign, trust it as. i’m going to those places for denouement and decision, but what you’ve given me, that was a very nice intro. thank you for letting me know. and thank you for being friendly innocent.

the angel God sent down to me about 6/7 years ago. the first person with whom i can have unlimited discussion about jennifer parker, lara cameron, noelle page, paige taylor, and tracy whitney (do i need to mention about the undeniably inspirational dana evans here?). the one with whom i spend all night long in the bus headed to jogja. talking, one another, face to face, heart to heart. the person that being damn good partner for my first pride-project. the one and only that keeping all my gaudium et spes. thank you for being so splendid soul mate.

the lady which has elegance in highest level a woman (a person even) can be. the blessed and professional runway model. she’s the one who makes me see model and harlot is still distinguishable, makes me do my reappraisal homework. the fashionista (=fashionable sista) whose definition of style i have adopted yet have followed. you put me in believing that some people were born to be a model (clearly, you’re in the top list). the person who helped me breath while i was losing my rhythm. thank you for that dawn (with that macaroni and cheese, that blanket).

the first one who could open my shutting senses. the one who did unveil about indifferentia. he who's resetting my orientation, flipping my visionary, fulfilling my credo. the man i met by chance and united by compassion. the person that could really exquisitely reconcile the damage to regenerate the balance. thank you for, civitate deity. you know i won’t make it without you; or let me say it this way, the comprehension can’t be this naturally harmonious without you by my side. aku ikut kamu, kamu kan imamku (ayat-ayat cinta the movie, red). explicit and implicit.

the greatest thing ever happened in my life. the best alchemist. the man that has been beside me through years of seeking, considering, formulating (in the other words, desire, hope, wisdom). the only person who is able to make my song take flight, to help me make my music of the night. my banister, my charger. the Taurus. the one that i miss all my time. you’re not some flash inspiration (it’s also the phrase that simpletons often use, real sucks, and it has degraded the meaning of course), but you’re source, of this blog. just.. i never experience such a wonderful feeling until that ‘holiday’ camp. love you more than love itself. let destiny takes care for the rest of it (see how faithful fatalist truly i’m). darimu semua bermula, padamu pula semua akan bermuara. danke, winnetou.